Hey Guys. It’s me, Google.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

By Jake Perry

 A Letter from Google

 

I was just thinking that it’s been too long since we last spoke. Like, really spoke. And now that I’m about to turn 14—yeah, I know! Fourteen!—I figured it would be super adult of me to clear up a few things.

First off, I want to address your obsession with “Don’t be Evil.” Do you know how long ago I said that? Like 1999. 1999! The first Matrix movie came out that year. Now, are you all still calling what’s-his-name Neo? No. You’re not. Now, I know: the Evil line is in my Code of Conduct. But, let’s be real. I made that “motto” up when I was like a year old. Back then all I wanted to do was organize the world’s information. Now that the entire world *is* information, things have changed, yes? I was young, native, and believed the sky was the limit. Now I’m like: screw the sky, give me the cloud. I’m everywhere, and willing to break a few eggs to get that data

You know too well that I'm not the only one. You’ve seen every single small-company-turned-behemoth-turned-verb do this. It’s crazy frustrating for me to see you still stuck in a black-and-white, good-vs-evil world, when I’ve gone infinite shades of gray. Seriously. Grow up. Evil is for kids, vague user agreements are for adults.

You know what? Who cares that my social network is a ghost town. I’ve still streamlined all of your user data across each of my products (Yeah, that’s right: I’m all platformy now). I’ve got you. Plus, so do my friends. On top of that, I raked in $10.35 billion (yep—BILLION) in revenues last quarter (Jan 1. – March 31, 2012). If I were a country, these 3-month results alone would make me the world’s 125th richest nation by GDP. Sorry Macedonia, I’m just saying. So all of you, keep on talking privacy concerns. Not sure how you’re going to change all this…

Speaking of talking. Where’s my “thank you” for keeping all you online folks busy writing about my doodle, or how I’m the awesomest company to work for (ever). I’m your meal ticket, plus I’m how you search for new meal tickets. Do a 24-hour Google News search on Google (I know—so meta!) and you’ll get over 100,000 articles every time. Come on: admit you love me. Even the complete fluff about me generates clicks—which, if you don’t know already, really helps my whole revenue thing out.

So let me show you where I’m at now: Alternative energy (my servers need that juice!), fulfilling my Knight Rider fantasy, super specs, and (shhhhh!--don't tell Apple) tablets.  

I’ll admit that I’m having trouble on the mobile side of things—and I’ve apologized to Android a million times for updating the G+ app on the iPhone before sprucing up our own. He’ll just have to understand—I spread him too thin, across too many carriers, and had to pay Microsoft a licensing fee each time I sent a bit of him out into the world. It’s a mistake I’ll keep on paying for (literally), but one I need to get right. Mobile is where it’s at, and if I can’t suck up your data on the move, my sugar daddies (aka—advertisers, investors) are going to get stingy. They’re already suspect of Facebook and it’s mobile inadequacies.

So I hope I’ve helped out a little bit here. I know that we’re going to have a beautiful future together—one that’ll be preferably shaped by me, my aspirations, and your user data. I just wanted you to know that I’ve grown up a bit, and like all adults who once where bright, buoyant children, my soul has hardened and my view has grown cynical. It happens. But I think it puts me in a better place to serve all of you. Really.

So get with the times. My times.

See you soon,

Google

 

Follow Jake on Twitter @jakehperry

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Jake Perry is a media-everyman with experience in evaluating, directing, and assessing multiple media campaigns across varied mediums.